CLEVELAND, Ohio — What will you tell your grandchildren about the great bacon shortage of 2017?
I’m not talking about philosopher/scientist Francis Bacon or movie actor Kevin Bacon. And I’m not talking about Canadian bacon, which is basically just a mini-ham.
Imagine a world without bacon. Unthinkable. No eggs and bacon? No BLT sandwich? No bacon cheeseburger? Or none of my famous Brussels sprouts with blue cheese and bacon?
Will you describe the fevered run on bacon at Heinen’s and Giant Eagle meat departments? That the National Guard was called in to surround the building and prevent rioters from tearing up the pork stands at the West Side Market?
Don’t forget about the black-market bacon. Will you go into all the seamy details about arranging to meet a guy who knows a guy? That guy knows a hog farmer from Amish country. And for a price, he might have something in the trunk of his car you might like.
Maybe you’re in the mood for some prosciutto. Who isn’t? Forget about it. That stuff is off-the-charts expensive. You need to take out a mortgage for that grade of razor-thin sliced kind of salty heaven. Not to mention the pepper bacon, the maple kind and the smoked apple bacon.
Remember when Malley’s was offering chocolate-covered bacon? Those days are over, my friend. That stuff is considered “bacon porn” in a world experiencing a bacon shortage.
But you could probably find videos of people eating chocolate-covered bacon on certain websites you wouldn’t be proud to have people know your were visiting on a regular bacon, er, I mean, basis.
Were you ripped off by shady back-street dealers trying to pass off counterfeit Bacos Bits as the real thing? Did you snort them? And don’t even get me started about turkey bacon. Please.
Turkey bacon is an insult to pigs all over the world that have given their lives for countless generations to make life at the kitchen table worthwhile.
And speaking of turkey, did you acquit yourself with honor? Did you go “cold turkey” once you realized there was no legal way to get your bacon fix? Or did you resort to illegal and unsavory methods to obtain your porky pleasures? This is where the bacon hits the boulevard, as they say.
Well, guess what? It turns out that the “Bacon Shortage of 2017” was nothing more than fake news. Thanks to Plain Dealer reporter Olivera Perkins, the bacon shortage story was revealed to be false. She contacted the Ohio Pork Council, and they denied that there was any such shortage.
“Ohio farmers will continue to work hard to ensure consumers receive the products they crave,” they told Perkins. (Who, by the way, is not the heiress to the Perkins pancake restaurant chain, in case you were curious.) We’re all about full disclosure and total transparency here, my friends.
When it comes to bacon, you can count on us.
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