I discovered through Facebook that a close friend has joined a club offering fetish events for men. My friend, in his early 20s, is on the autism spectrum and is generally passive and young in his ways. I’m worried he will find himself in a situation that puts him at risk. What should I do? Do I honour his right to privacy or do what I think is necessary? Should I tell his parents or talk to him directly?
Human beings are complicated.
You say your friend is “on the autism spectrum.” Unfortunately, this term is so all-encompassing that it includes a wide range of people. Some are severely limited in their ability to form easy relationships and make social judgments. Others are only mildly compromised in social communication, while excelling in art, sciences and so on.
To further complicate your dilemma, folks joining fetish clubs don’t come from a cookie-cutter, either. Your question assumes these clubs are dangerous places, made up of untrustworthy, even predatory people.
But that’s not necessarily so. Many fetishists are ordinary folks — doctors, lawyers — whose sexual tastes run to the esoteric and who join these clubs precisely because they are safe places to animate their fantasies, meet like-minded people and enjoy the smell of leather.
So without knowing your friend or his fellow kinksters, it’s hard to measure how much danger, if any, lurks in his recreational activities. Almost certainly there are risks and defining social boundaries is usually not high in the skillset of autistic people. But it’s also possible he’s joined the club precisely because it’s a community where he’s respected and treated as normal.
What is definitely dangerous, however, is that you found out about his activities on Facebook. Whether he posted this himself or someone else did, it’s bad, bad news.
The world can be cruel and, by revealing his sexual proclivities on social media, your friend exposes himself to that cruelty, not from those within the club, but from those outside it. So he needs to know it’s happened and understand the implications.
No, don’t talk to his parents. I discussed your dilemma with the parent of a young man who’s a bit, perhaps, like your friend. She said, “As his mother, I’d want to know.” I get that; I’d want to know, too. But it’s not up to you to tell them. If your friend learns that you ratted him out to mommy and daddy, your friendship is finished. That’s too high a cost.
So speak directly to him. The conversation must be non-judgmental. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with fetish-life per se, and he may consider the guys at the club to be close friends. So don’t make him feel tawdry.
Merely mention that, “I see, on Facebook, that you’ve joined club XXY.” Ask how it’s working out. Does he trust the guys? Did he give permission for this to be posted online? Has he thought about the implications?
Be interested and unprejudiced. Use the voice of a curious friend — not a preacher, counsellor or cop. Slip in some cautionary notes, but do it gently and with respect.
Maybe he’ll open up. More likely he’ll shut you down. Either way, he’ll consider what you’ve said.
Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca
Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca
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