Well folks, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when everyone’s asking: Where’s the Superb Owl? When’s the Superb Owl? What, pray tell, is this Superb Owl everyone is always yammering on about?
I’m no scientist, but I’ve been alive for roughly 34 years in the United States of America, give or take an early concussion or two, and I am here to explain to you the Superb Owl, and give you some specifics on the Superb Owl 2017.
Please note: If you are one of the millions of people who accidentally Googled “Superb Owl” instead of “Super Bowl,” please see our coverage of that football game.
The Superb Owl is, like, the ultimate owl, or game, or whatever. Ultimate literally, as in it’s the last one of the season, which we are all thankful for and celebrate by eating chicken wings. Owl wings are generally illegal so chicken wings are used to represent the Superb Owl’s body, being consumed.
This year, the Superb Owl will, in an unorthodox turn, feature the Atlanta Falcons. It is also illegal to eat falcon wings, so once again, chicken wings will have to suffice.
As you know, as everyone has known since the beginning of time, two teams of owls do battle on a grid of irons to determine the winner of the Superb Owl. This year, the 51st Superb Owl will pit those aforementioned Falcons against the New England Patriots, a tough parliament of owls, lead by a great horned owl who calls himself Tom Brady as he swoops through the night forest, eating mice and other small rodents.
The cast of Falcons are no slouches themselves. Many have morphed, much like the famous and historic Ugly Duckling, from a former raft of Ducks. They will bring their knowledge of the watery world to the air as the battle they Patriots parliament for dominance.
The irons have been meticulously arranged in Houston. The oblong balls have been inflated to maximum. Lady Gaga, the Queen of the Owls, is readying her meat suit for the ritual dance she must do at the exact midpoint of the match. The birds have begun to flock to Texas. Ask yourself: Have you yet prepared your Superb Owl feast?
A Superb Owl party must contain certain symbolic and powerful items, if the owl you most love is to win. First, the Superb Owl salad, a mix of owl pellets, grass, rat tails (actual, not snipped Klasbahis from the head of a football player) and rocks. You can also prepare traditional casseroles, with or without puppies.
Please make sure there are proper snacks for all species of winged creatures.
There must be Superb Owl games, like the classic “Which Superb Owl Am I?” in which one player must dance and hoot until the other players are so overcome with joy that they too begin to dance and hoot.
There shall be dips. There shall be decorations. There shall be salsa. There shall be one small sacrificial mouse, let free into the wood as the opening gong for Superb Owl 2017 rings throughout the land.
So this Sunday, settle into your couch, bring together friends and family, and let’s see who will be crowned the Superb Owl of 2017.
Please be advised: this event may not be televised in all or any markets. The Super Bowl, however, will air Sunday, Feb. 5, 3:30 p.m. PT/6:30 p.m. ET on Fox.
— Lizzy Acker
503-221-8052
lacker@oregonian.com, @lizzzyacker
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