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I was enlightened by pornographic films. My parents probably thought school was responsible for “sexual early education”. There, in turn, it was thought that this was parental duty. Finally, pornography took over this task.
Of course, I had already noticed earlier that with amazingly different sexual organs of boys and girls, re had been a secret mysterious, scandalous, at same time fascinating and deeply embarrassing circumstances: when I was seven years old, In early 1980s, a girl from neighborhood showed me her vagina at home. Her mor came in, scolded very bad and beat girl on her bare butt. What I had just seen as interesting but innocent, seemed to me very interesting, but complicated.
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When I was nine years old, I was told by clear pictorial material what I had to imagine masturbation in men and women, and not much later I saw a photograph on which a man put his link in a woman’s vagina. This picture haunted me for a while. There was something raw, provocative and at same time strange in act. Some children in my class seemed to develop similar ambivalent feelings. Orwise I could not explain to myself sometimes silly, sometimes aggressive Häme, with which was mostly talked about all sex. Apparently it was a blemish to have a penis or a vagina, so to be a sexual being.
Anselm Neft Born in 1973, lives as a publicist and freelance author in Hamburg. His novel “From The Light”, which tells of inner life of a fundamentalist-Christian family, was recently published. to author page
I did not Jesuitisches this atmosphere of curiosity, shame and devaluation when I came to a “young boys gymnasium” at age of eleven. Not only in many of white, male citizen children, but also in teaching staff, especially among Jesuits, re was a strange tone in relation to girls, women and all sexuals. Girls, with whom a few months ago y had played quite normal and from person to person, turned into strange beings. Great feelings were ridiculed, sexualisiertes speeches and evaluation of girls was considered cool. There was an older student who was admired because he had already slept with some girls, and re was a girl at neighbouring gymnasium for “higher daughters” who had just brought it to nickname “sperm-Aga” in a similar way. A magical mechanism seemed to be grasped: when a boy slept with a girl, he turned into a hero and she became a hussy. Her value went to boy. We were able to make good use of value because we were clearly in what social psychologist Rolf Pohl calls “masculinity dilemma”: boys should be self-confident and independent, strong sex. At same time, y are not only first of all completely dependent on a mor, but later also on favour of girls, who circle ir deepest desires and on which affirmation of ir masculinity hangs. Accordingly, many of us hechelten with growing need for girls, but did as if all this were just frills.
Women can love, men can have sex
That re was something deeply disturbed in se widely spread attitudes, I felt more than I thought. Anor dilemma also bewildered me: on one hand, a romantic veil lay above sex. Love alone made sexual intercourse worthy of man, and love meant not superficial Verknalltsein, but responsibility – even for children who might be created. This view, spelled out in Catholic sexual teachings, I read out of words and hard-to-grasp attitudes of my mor and or influential people. And it’s effect: still as a student, I “fell in love” when I found a woman just very attractive.
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Women were considered capable of combining sex and love, while men were considered Dauerbrünftige Sexmonster. Men wanted Sex and had to learn to love. Women wanted to love and refore had to learn to like sex too. So far, so old school. On or hand, spirit of sexual revolution was in air: free sex makes free people. No one wanted to be a uptight skewer. Only those who “made it easy” and lived out its true orgasmic potential could break up its body armor and defeat inner Fascho. So, as a teenager, I was faced with choice of becoming a perpetrator on way to hell or a Nazi. My male sex seemed to be predestined for both. Wher it was a provincial revolutionary or a child-abusing clergyman, re was a consensus: man’s sexuality was main problem. Eir it was too aggressive-jammed or too libidinous-animalistic. There was something wrong with us guys from ground up. To anticipate, pornography showed me no way out.
