Sometimes my daughter gets frustrated and yells instructions at Buddy the Wonder Dog, and I have to remind her: “He doesn’t speak English.”
Buddy does know a few words that we have to spell out when he’s around, like “T-R-E-A-T” and “W-A-L-K.” He hasn’t learned to spell yet, fortunately.
But he’s much more a mutt of action than words. When I put on my shoes and get my keys, he is beside himself and looks at me with imploring eyes. I know his eyes are saying, “C’mon, take me with you. I love riding in the car.”
When I get out out the chew toys, he knows, “Oh, goodie. Now it’s time to play fetch.”
Of course, his idea of fetch is “Grab the toy and run like hell,” but you get the idea.
Because I have a masochistic streak, we recently added a second dog to our household — a fluffy white poodle-ish creature from the pound we named “Lil Wayne.”
He’s only 2 years old and very much still a puppy, while Buddy has now reached the senior age of 14.
Luckily, they get along, and Lil Wayne has forced Buddy to play with him, giving him more energy and interest in life.
If Lil Wayne could talk, I’m pretty sure he’d ask me, “I know you like being ironic and all that, but why did you name me after a notorious rapper?”
I don’t really have an answer for that, except that Curly Girl and I thought it was funny at the time, especially when older people think he’s named after Wayne Newton.
Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure I can put words into our dog’s mouths, and here are some of them:
1. Yes, I drink out of the toilet, then try to lick your face. What’s your point?
2. If you didn’t want me to eat the rotisserie chicken, why did you leave it on the counter and walk away?
3. I defend you from the evil mail carrier every day, and you never appreciate it.
4. Stop locking me in the bathroom when you’re bringing in the groceries. I won’t run away. Really. I won’t.
5. Why are all those delicious smells coming from the kitchen and none of them are for me?
6. I smell something on your legs. Sniff. Sniff. You were CHEATING ON ME.
7. Why do you keep feeding me dog food when you get steak?
8. I thought I was going to Disneyland, but you took me to the vet instead.
9. I think you should wear this stupid cone.
10. If you don’t want me to chew your socks, why do you leave them on the floor?
Now, I mentioned to fans on my Frumpy Middle-aged Mom Facebook page that I was going to write my dog sayings, and they chimed in with what their dogs would say to them if they could.
“Feed me” was a universal sentiment. Here are some of my other favorites:
No, YOU get off the bed! — Marla Hansen
Hell, no, I won’t be taking a bath. — Synthia Scofield
I really hate that fluffy white dog you brought into my house. — Trina Utley Cox
I’m not sleepy anymore can I go outside to play? (Usually at 3 a.m.) — Rosaura Cortez March
Will you please stop getting up and down? I’m trying to sleep here. — Wayne Avery
Please don’t open that laptop; keep petting me instead! — Susan Chaney
You… Again. — Joe Vahey
Better let me outside, right now … or else … — Bret Colson
I like that robe, Mom, no matter what anybody else says. — Diana Emerick Phillips
Stop kissing me! — Chrystie Adams
More chicken, please. — Nancy Slagle-Cessna
MORE PEOPLE FOOD. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! — Becki Beisner Thompson
I love you. Christine — Rieder Stefani
Clean up the yard. — Alison Wessler
Gimme some bacon. — Gigi Woolbert Hart
Massage please! Don’t stop! — Susan Atceson
I’m still hungry and want to go on another walk. — Meredith Holbrook Chillemi
You don’t understand. I’m the dominant dog, not you. — Suzanne Bailey
I’m a princess and don’t you forget it! — Diane Daugherty
Where’s my plate of food? You’re serving everyone else. — Lisa Loosmore
Why isn’t that hand petting me? — Ingrid Eck Pullen
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