There’s something so romantic about the idea of packing your bags, leaving everything behind, and following your spouse to the end of the Earth (or at least wherever a job takes him or her). The reality is much less rosy.
In fact, a 2015 InterNations study showed that among all types of expats, the group that moved for love was the least happy. Most of such “trailing spouses,” as they’re commonly known, are women, but men are increasingly following their wives abroad, and there was an increase in homosexual couples living abroad as well. The traveling spouse was the second-least happy group. The differences between these two groups are small, and they lie in the details. When I moved to Germany in 2005 to be with my husband, I moved for love. When he found another job in the Netherlands in 2009, and I joined him there, I moved for his career.
I was surprised when I read the results of the study. Originally from Poland, I’m very content living in the Netherlands. In fact, I’ve spent some time apart from my husband before and was way more miserable then than I am now.
‘Be prepared for your career ambitions to take a back seat to your partner’s — possibly for years.’
– Lisa Ferdland, trailing spouseBut then I looked more closely at the study and discovered that despite their unhappiness, traveling spouses (both male and female) were quite satisfied with their lives, except in one critical area: money. While most of the spouses were happy with their general financial situation, their personal finances were a source of deep concern or even anxiety within this group.
‘Be prepared for your career ambitions to take a back seat to your partner’s — possibly for years.’
Most of the expat wives I know left well-paid, secure positions, and have done so several times. In their new home country, they end up being paid less than before. In some countries, they’re not even allowed to work without the support of a local sponsor. And by the time they do find a job, it’s time to move again.
It sometimes takes an optimistic attitude for a trailing spouse to smile through a relocation, as Lisa Ferdland, an American living in Sweden for her husband’s work, said.
“Be prepared for your career ambitions to take a backseat to your partner’s — possibly for years.” But she adds, “Be flexible, optimistic and never stop trying new things. You never know when you stumble upon a previously unknown passion.”
That’s what happened to me. I quit various jobs to follow my husband first to Canada, then to Germany and eventually to the Netherlands. A job can’t always fit in a suitcase, and that’s why certain professions such as homemakers, freelancers, volunteers and part-time workers are overrepresented in this particular group. I left my office jobs behind for the life of a freelancer and homemaker when I moved for my husband’s work. The majority of expat spouses earn much less money now than they did before the move, and to add insult to injury, many expat wives are accused of being lazy and spending their husband’s money. Sadly, the stereotype of the expat wife lying around on the couch and getting manicures is still alive and well today.
No wonder a trailing spouse is miserable: She has lost her position, her identity and her support network.
The reality is much less enjoyable than it seems. The loss of identity is real and painful. Many expat spouses suffer from depression and lack of purpose, torn from their roots and the routines they’d grown used to. Not only did they leave fulfilling careers but also their whole support network back home. This is especially true for parents who rely on others to help take care of their children. The work of finding that reliable babysitter, the quality school, competent doctors — it starts all over again.
No wonder a trailing spouse is miserable: She has lost her position, her identity and her support network.
For me, the biggest hurdle to overcome was the financial dependence on my husband. I’ve had various office jobs since I was a student, but when my children were born, I stayed home with them instead. It didn’t occur to me to freelance at this point — I just didn’t know it was an option. Only now am I beginning to put my writing out there and earn some money.
This is something usually not talked about. It’s not considered socially acceptable for women to speak about money. Those who do are considered greedy. But this study shows the importance of a steady, reliable income for trailing spouses. It’s important for a person to feel like they’re contributing financially to their own lives, not to mention the sense of accomplishment and belonging that can come with having a job.
On the other hand, the sacrifices made by trailing spouses like me go largely unnoticed. We make everything run smoothly at home and during the move. In most cases, we’re the ones tasked with furnishing houses, and with making sure the family is adapting well to the new circumstances. It’s hard labor, usually both physically and emotionally. And while the working spouse gets complimented on his good job, his wife goes largely unnoticed. No wonder she’s miserable: She has lost her position, her identity and her support network. At the same time, the success of a comfortable life internationally — or lack thereof — rests mostly on her shoulders, and it’s a big burden to carry.
As the Beatles song goes, “money can’t buy me love,” nor does it bring happiness. But for expat spouses, a little bit of recognition, whether it’s financial or metaphorical, could go a long way toward a happier life.
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