Time to throw the dating rule book out the window.
Technology and new ideas about sex and gender have dramatically changed the laws of love, from who pays for dinner to how long to wait to call after a date.
“It’s sort of like the Wild West out there,” says Alex Manly, dating and sex editor at AskMen.com. “If you think you know the rules, some new app will come along and reinvent the rule book.”
Here’s how to play the game now.
Apps such as Tinder have spoiled us for choice and made it OK to be dating multiple people at once.
“Someone can have a fantastic date, but when they get an e-mail [from a dating service] with three other matches,” says Maria Avgitidis, dating coach and founder of Agape Match in Midtown, “fear of missing out takes effect.”
But it’s important that everyone is upfront about dating other people.
“You have to be really clear on what you want,” says Lindsay Chrisler, a professional dating coach based in Hell’s Kitchen.
Someone can have a fantastic date, but when they get an e-mail [from a dating service] with three other matches, ear of missing out takes effect.
Forget calling someone. “Everything goes down over text now, especially between millennials,” Manly says.
Just don’t overdo it, and remember that humor and tone don’t always come through in a text.
“[Texting] is a great way to flirt, maybe give them a taste of who you are,” says dating coach Chrisler. “[But] they’re not a great way to go deep or get to know the person’s personality.”
Chris Donahue, a 28-year-old writer from Brooklyn, believes men should still foot the bill, at least on the first date. “It opens up a kind of flirty dialogue of like, ‘You can pay for the next date,’ ” he says.
Manly is on the same page, but his reasoning is more economical: “Guys still [usually] make more money than women, so they should offer to pay, regardless of whoever asked out whom,” he says. “There’s a sort of New Age chivalry about that.”
Unfortunately, the rule seems even less clear for those in the LGBT community, says Morningside Heights resident and comedian Stephanie Foltz, who is bisexual. Foltz, 29, says it can be tricky, but that gender norms are still at play. “I have a more masculine energy, so I usually pay on the first date,” she says.
One of the first times Foltz took the initiative and asked a guy out, it went really well. “It turned into an all-day date,” she says. “It ended up being one of the most romantic experiences of my life.” She believes making the first move gave the man a helpful confidence boost. “Sometimes guys are afraid, too.”
And with the advent of dating apps such as Bumble, which require women to make the first move to avoid online harassment, it’s not only common for women to initiate a date, it’s increasingly expected.
“There are definitely guys who would be really into a woman taking charge like that,” says Manly.
The 1996 comedy “Swingers” popularized the idea that cool kids must wait three days to call a date after an encounter. But such shenanigans are now considered passé, given how we’re all constantly looking at our smartphones.
“I don’t want to be with someone who’s going to play games and feel weird if I text them to say hello,” Donahue says.
Manly agrees, noting that in current times, “Someone you met on a dating app might have gone on three more dates by the time you get back to them three days later.”
Forget keeping things chaste until you’re several dates in. A new Match.com study found that millennials are 48 percent more likely than those of other generations to have sex before a first date to see if there’s a genuine attraction.
“If there’s not an immediate spark, you’re wasting both of your time,” says Manly.
If there’s not an immediate spark, you’re wasting both of your time.
The advice used to be to avoid talk of politics and former relationships on early dates, but now many favor putting it all out there from the beginning.
Agape Match’s Avgitidis says that dating sites have seen a big uptick in people noting their political preferences on their profiles.
“I used to say, ‘Don’t let ideology get in the way of love,’ [but] I think when people meet other people, they want to know what their values and lifestyles are,” she says.
And once people started broaching politics, she says, other taboos, such as keeping past relationships to yourself, began to get ditched too.
“Now we’ve given ourselves permission to talk about these things, so it’s becoming a lot more common for people to [even] talk about their exes,” she says.
Last-minute offers used to mean you were a second choice, and the advice was to save face and your self-respect by saying, “Nope.” But with the ability to find a potential match now sped up to the nth degree, that rule has been turned on its head.
“When I was on Tinder, you’d match, chat for 45 minutes, and then she’d be like, ‘Let’s go on a date tomorrow,’” Manly says. “That felt fast, but, why not? It saves you time figuring out if this is the right person.”
Forget having a one night stand and never seeing the person again. With Facebook, Twitter and some minor-sleuthing, anyone can be tracked down.
“If you sleep with someone, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to contact them again [or vice versa],” says Manly. While some might lament the loss of anonymity, Manly adds that this isn’t always such a bad thing. With time, a no-strings hookup could turn into something more. “A week later, maybe you’d be like, ‘I should reach out.’”
Gone are the days when dates had to be an elaborate night out at a buzzy restaurant or club. Now, watching a few episodes of “Westworld” is considered a hot date.
“‘Netflix and chill’ is amazing,” Foltz says. “Even if you don’t have sex while you watch, you can finish a show and have something to talk about.”
A Match.com survey found that millennials are 270 percent more likely than other generations to be turned on if their match watches the same TV show.
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