I’m quitting my job to help Johnny Depp with his finances.
What do I know about money? “Not much,” suggests my bank account. But based on a new lawsuit, not much is much more than Depp seems to know, or he wouldn’t now be blowing $2 million amonth.
His ex-managers made this wild allegation on Tuesday in a counterclaim filed inside Los Angeles Superior Court. The legal action comes in response to a lawsuit Depp filed last month, which seeks $25 million (all figures U.S.) from The Management Group (TMG) for alleged fraud and mismanagement.
TMG, which represented the actor for 17 years, fired back this week and said they are the ones owed money. They called Depp’s allegations “absurd,” arguing they did nothing wrong and repeatedly warned about an “extravagant and extreme” lifestyle.
None of the allegations in either claim have been proven in court. But TMG alleges Depp’s “selfish, reckless and irresponsible” spending included:
- “In excess of $75 million to acquire, improve and furnish 14 residences, including a 45-acre chateau in the South of France, a chain of islands in the Bahamas, multiple houses in Hollywood, several penthouse lofts in downtown Los Angeles, and a fully functioning horse farm in Kentucky.”
- “Over $18 million to acquire and renovate a 150-foot luxury yacht.”
- “Millions more acquiring and/or maintaining at least 45 luxury vehicles.”
- “$30,000 per month on expensive wines that he had flown to him around the world for his personal consumption.”
- “Over $3 million to blast from a specially-made cannon the ashes of author Hunter Thompson over Aspen, Colorado.”
If this countersuit is ever turned into a Depp movie, it should be called Edward Spendthrifthands. The portrait that emerges is of a 53-year-old man who lives the way an impulsive teen might after winning millions in a Powerball draw.
Depp’s monthly spending, according to the countersuit, included $300,000 for 40 full-time employees and $200,000 for air travel, since he refused “to fly by any means other than private plane and required at least a Gulfstream GV or above.”
It’s always mystifying when celebrities go from superrich to super-bankrupt. How did M.C. Hammer burn through $33 million? Why did Wayne Newton go from “highest paid entertainer in the world” in 1983 to “$20 million in debt” nine years later? What was Sinbad thinking? What was Meaf Loaf doing?
This countersuit fills in some of the general blanks. In fact, Depp’s woes should serve as cautionary tale for every celebrity. They should all hire middle-class advisers to serve as financial consultants. You know, someone who lives in the real world, someone who understands the value of money and budgets.
For example, in my new job as Mr. Depp’s wallet handler, all I’d really have to do is pretend we were living his life with my money.
Day 1: “Mr. Depp, there is no way we are buying 70 collectible guitars. My wife will kill us. We also need to start downsizing the memorabilia in those 12 storage facilities. Do you have an eBay account?”
Day 2: “Mr. Depp, we are selling the villa or the islands. You decide. I’ll also list all of the penthouses on Airbnb to create a monthly income stream that can offset future earning losses. Don’t blame me. Blame Mortdecai.”
Day 3: “Mr. Depp, please hand over any jewelry you have not worn in the last 12 months. I’ll take it to Russell Oliver. Whatever the Cashman gives us can be used to pay for wine that comes in a box. You’ll get used to it. Trust me.”
Day 4: “Mr. Depp, from now on we’re flying commercial. One of my daughters will accompany you on these trips. You’ll be so busy trying to keep her occupied, you won’t have time to realize you’re in economy.”
Day 5: “Mr. Depp, we are selling half of your hyper-cars and putting this income into an RRSP. We are also repurposing the human ashes cannon as an actual cannon that can fire watermelons at anyone who approaches with wacky investment ideas, such as starting a music label or a company that specializes in time travel. My wife will explain why these are bad ideas.”
As noted in the countersuit: “TMG did not have the power or ability to control Depp’s spending or his numerous other vices, or to force Depp to make wiser financial decisions.”
But I could have that power — if not with persuasion, then with demonstration.
Day 6: “Mr. Depp, you’ll be coming over for dinner to see what life will be like if you don’t change your ways. Bring a box of wine, one that pairs nicely with Kraft Dinner.”
vmenon@thestar.ca
vmenon@thestar.ca
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