I have a few things to say about the city of Chicago’s so-called tax on so-called shopping bags.

First off, it’s a bunch of so-called nonsense that any patriotic American shopper should be charged 7 cents for a sack in which to place his or her purchases.

We are guaranteed free shopping bags under the 14th Amendment of the Constitution, which clearly states: "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States."

Making me pay for a shopping bag may be a minor inconvenience that greatly benefits the planet and all of humanity, but it’s abridging my privilege of getting a free shopping bag. Any other interpretation of that amendment is fake news. Period.

And speaking of fake news, I’m not entirely convinced this so-called tax even exists. I’ve only heard or read about it from the dishonest mainstream media.

The Chicago Tribune — which I know is fake news because it employs me — has reported that the tax is intended to reduce disposable bag use by giving shoppers a financial incentive to bring their own reusable bags.

The Tribune tried to explain the need for the 7-cent-per-bag charge like this: "Americans use more than 100 billion disposable plastic bags each year. Most end up in landfills, with some invariably littering the landscape in highly visible ways."

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For starters, the word "littering" is a very biased term, as some of us would say those beautiful, non-biodegradable, high density polyethylene bags are "decorating" the landscape in highly visible ways.

But the more important bias comes from the casual use of the term "landfills." The liberal media are always going on about these alleged in-ground garbage dumps despite clear evidence that they don’t exist.

How do I know this? Because unlike the lemmings who rely only on mainstream media lies, I have read the two scholarly ebooks that landfill-truthers don’t want you to see.

These ebooks — which I definitely did not write myself and then publish on Amazon two nights ago — prove conclusively that any media mention of landfills is fake news.

The first ebook, "Landfills: A Classic Myth of the Liberal Left," is by famed so-called scientist Bob Einstein. It’s an exhaustive, one-half page treatise on the landfill lie.

That second ebook is by famed so-called naturalist Hank David Thoreau and is titled, "There Are No Landfills on Walden Pond or Anywhere Else You Lib Ninnies."

Chicago’s bag tax took effect Wednesday. Here’s what you need to know. Lauren Zumbach

As of Wednesday, Chicago is nudging shoppers to BYOB — bring your own bag, that is.

A checkout tax of 7 cents per bag will be added at all Chicago retailers, the city’s latest attempt to cut down on the use of disposable bags, typically provided for free at checkout, which often end up in landfills.

…

As of Wednesday, Chicago is nudging shoppers to BYOB — bring your own bag, that is.

A checkout tax of 7 cents per bag will be added at all Chicago retailers, the city’s latest attempt to cut down on the use of disposable bags, typically provided for free at checkout, which often end up in landfills.

… (Lauren Zumbach)

The beauty of these books — which are actually available in Kindle format on Amazon — is that each one cites the other as its primary source, creating what’s known as "a perfect circle of proof."

Here’s an excerpt from Thoreau’s book, which is also one-half of a page long:

"For years, liberals have claimed that landfills exist.

"They do not. That is a fact.

"There are none at Walden Pond. There are none anywhere.

"According to the classic work by the so-called famed scientist Bob Einstein — ‘Landfills: A Classic Myth of the Liberal Left’ — landfills are a made-up concept.

"There’s really nothing to worry about here. Just use as many plastic bags as you want and then discard them. They blow away and form into majestic lawn statuary.

"Duh.

"Stupid libs."

OK, that’s actually the entire text of the book. As you can see, the reasoning is ironclad and there’s no reason to waste additional words expounding on what is clearly THE TRUTH.

In this age of fake news and so-called other things I don’t agree with, it’s important that people adopt what I call "shopping-bag populism." It’s populism grounded in the belief that things I don’t want to be real aren’t real because I don’t want them to be.

I hear it’s already catching on in some of the loftiest halls of power in the land.

So next time you’re shopping in Chicago and a clerk-tyrant tries to violate your constitutional right to a free shopping bag, show the clerk a copy of this column and encourage him or her to read the important and concise works of Bob Einstein and Hank David Thoreau.

And then loudly and proudly recite the Shopping-Bag Populist’s Creed:

"If they ask me to pay 7 cents for a bag, I will say, ‘No, give me my bag for free.’ "

"And if they refuse, I will say again, ‘Give me my bag for free.’

"And if they refuse again, I will shout, ‘LANDFILLS ARE A HOAX!’ and then use my shirt to carry my purchases to the car, knowing I did not bow to the city of Chicago’s crooked ways."

That’s what it takes to be a real American these days. Or my name isn’t Hank David Thoreau.

Listen to Rex Huppke and WGN radio host Amy Guth discuss presidential politics each week on the "Guth and Huppke on Politics" podcast at chicagotribune.com/guthhuppkepodcast.

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

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