Looking forward to a Valentine’s Day full of flowers, chocolates and long lingering suppers with that special someone, gazing dreamily into each other’s eyes?
Well, this is for the rest of you.
After all, there are plenty of movies out there for happy lovers. And almost as many tragedies for the recently split, who only want to curl up on the couch with the remote, a box of tissues and a pint of Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch.
These films, however, are for the happily unattached. The blissfully single. The people who occasionally remember a former relationship, look down at their own still unadorned ring finger, and think: Phew, dodged that bullet.
Not literally, of course. It’d be too easy to cram this list full of murderous husbands and film-noir fatales. After all, you don’t have to be Jerry in “The Stepfather,” or Phyllis in “Double Indemnity,” to qualify as bad news.
No, the characters here are little more mainstream – but almost as hurtful, at least to your emotional health. And, interestingly, their heartbreaking behavior divides almost neatly along gender lines.
The creepy boyfriends? Mostly cheats and control freaks. The awful girlfriends? Shallow, selfish manipulators.
Of course the bad guys onscreen here would insist they never actually said this relationship was, you know, exclusive. And the witchy women would point out they always told you exactly how they felt, right at the start. It’s your fault if you only heard what you wanted to.
But of course that’s the hallmark of a bad boyfriend or awful girlfriend. They always find a way to blame you.
We know better. So do these movies.
“Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” (1974)
Wronged Woman: Alice
Wrong Guy: Ben
What Was She Thinking? She’s recently widowed, she’s a single mom, she’s in a strange town. He’s younger, chatty, definitely interested. And the sex is certainly the best she’s had in a long time.
And She Comes to Her Senses When… She finds out Ben’s married. And when Ben finds out she knows, he beats his wife for telling her. Time to get going, fast.
“Blue Is the Warmest Color” (2013)
Wronged Woman: Adele
Wronged Gal: Emma
What Was She Thinking: Adele is a high-school student who isn’t sure what she wants out of her life – or her sex life. College student Emma, older and far more experienced, is happy to be her guide.
And She Comes to Her Senses When… She realizes Emma still looks down on her a gauche, clinging teenager. And always will.
“Casino” (1995)
Wronged Man: Sam
Wrong Gal: Ginger
What Was He Thinking? She’s gorgeous, she’s charismatic, she’s clever as hell. Which may be why he marries her, even though she’s a high-end hooker who’s still in love with her pimp, and sees Sam strictly as a meal ticket.
And He Comes to His Senses When… The night she ties their daughter up so she can sneak off and party is probably the first big hint. But not the last.
“An Education” (2009)
Wronged Woman: Jenny
Wrong Guy: David
What Was She Thinking? She’s 16, and still in school. He’s older, rich, charming, and eager to take her to clubs, restaurants and Paris, where he also takes her virginity — but makes an offer of marriage.
And She Comes to Her Senses When… She realizes he’s a conman incapable of telling the truth – including about his own marital status.
“500 Days of Summer” (2009)
Wronged Man: Tom
Wrong Gal: Summer
What Was He Thinking? She works in his office, she shares his oddball interests, she’s absolutely adorkable. Which may be why he’s not listening when she clearly tells him she wants to just keep things casual, OK?
And He Comes to His Senses When…On Day 290, when she finally definitely breaks it off with him with the old, awful but-we-can-still-be-friends-right? line.
“Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (2008)
Wronged Man: Peter
Wrong Gal: Sarah
What Was He Thinking? She’s pretty, she’s famous and they’ve been working together for five years on her hit TV show “Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime.” He can scarcely believe a schlubby guy like him landed a celeb like this.
And He Comes to His Senses When… When she looks at him, standing in front of her naked, and calmly tells him they’re through is probably a big clue.
“Mildred Pierce” (1945)
Wronged Woman: Mildred
Wrong Guy: Monty
What Was She Thinking? He knew all the right people. There was that nice little pencil moustache. Her dear daughter Veda liked him. And he did know how to loaf “in a highly charming and decorative manner.”
And She Comes To Her Senses When… There were always signs, but two-timing her with her own teenage daughter? Yeah, that was probably the finish.
“Of Human Bondage” (1934)
Wronged Man: Philip
Wrong Gal: Mildred
What Was He Thinking? Frankly, Philip doesn’t know himself. A crass, crude, scrawny Cockney, Mildred treats the sensitive medical student like dirt. And the worse she treats him, the more he likes it.
And He Comes to His Senses When… Actually, he never does. But – luckily for him – Mildred finally departs his life, permanently.
“Sense and Sensibility” (1995)
Wronged Woman: Marianne
Wrong Guy: Mr. Willoughby
What Was She Thinking? A stumble in the rain, and he’s the dashing gentleman who comes to her rescue – and then hovers about her, even begging a lock of her hair. Certainly a proposal is just around the corner?
And She Comes to Her Senses When… The rotter throws her over for a girl with an inheritance. (But – gentle readers! – fear not, for kind Col. Brandon is still nearby.)
Stephen Whitty may be reached at stephenjwhitty@gmail.com. Follow him on Twitter @stephenwhitty. Find him on Facebook.
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