Life & Style
Cover: From the people who brought you “Katie Holmes is totally pregnant!” comes the shocking NEW drama “Scratch that, actually Selena Gomez is totally pregnant and desperate to marry, oh, let’s say, The Weeknd.”
Also, Queen Elizabeth is clearly the Murtaugh to Prince Philip’s Riggs as she’s cracking down on her merry band of royal and royal-adjacent millennials. To be fair, Princess Beatrice *did* cut open Ed Sheeran’s cheek while pretending to knight him. What a scamp!
Talk about your cursed child: Tom Cruise went to see that Harry Potter play with a bunch of middle-aged dude friends. Not, the ever helpful Life & Style staff point out, with his daughter Suri.
Star
Cover: Hate to be the one to break the bad news, but Nicole’s “$8 million tell all” is not really happening. It’s just what some insiders claim her memoir would be worth, should she choose to write it. I’m disappointed, too, but the article makes up for it with some salacious rumours about her dating life, mainly: an affair with Ewan McGregor (Duh) and a fling with Q-Tip (Huh).
The search for Johnny’s Gold: There are a plethora of “Johnny Depp is broke” stories this week and staring at his puffy, sweaty visage is making me sad that today’s youth will never really know how beautiful he once was before he became a full-time Captain Jack Sparrow.
In Touch
Cover: These mags are just lousy with misleading headlines. Don’t panic guys! Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are gonna be just fine. And whichever Duggar offspring is in marital trouble will probably also be fine. And if they aren’t fine, well, there’s more where that came from, right? The real hot goss here is that a “family insider” is spilling the beans. I’m sure it’s some indentured servant and not one of the children, but my money’s on Jordyn being the mole. There’s a Jordyn, right?
Sesame Street Fashion: A two-page spread dedicated to Lady Gaga’s muppet-inspired fashion choices actually made me smile. And the way they filled an awkward spot on one page with a photo of Kendall Jenner’s zits made me laugh and laugh. Bravo, In Touch! Bravo! We each must find a little bit of bliss where we can in this insane world.
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