Q: Why did the rooster go only halfway across the road before sitting down to close his little rooster eyes and wait for the inevitable?
A: Because when he got up this morning he realized it was Valentine’s Day, and he’d forgotten to make any plans for his best hen, and getting run over by a semi seemed a better option than returning to the roost to admit that his brain is the size of a (smallish) almond.
OK, it might not be that bleak for you. But no matter how strong the romantic riptide pulling you into the Sea of Eternal Loneliness, we can help.
We’ve been there. We’ve screwed up. We’ve learned.
And, sure, it’s already too late to get a reservation at that hot restaurant with the romantic lighting and the special Valentine’s Day dessert menu (though if you waited this long to make plans, you probably knew that).
So … what to do? Take a deep breath, and hold our virtual hand as we take you through a few steps that might save you from ending up like St. Valentine (martyred; beheaded), Bobby Valentine (mediocre baseball manager; annoying TV commentator), or Frank Gusenberg (Chicago mobster; killed in the St. Valentine’s Day massacre).
Oh, and while your advice is coming from a guy who, Lord knows, has messed up his Valentine’s plans before, it’s applicable to all genders. We know you’re out there, too, slacker sisters; don’t pretend you aren’t.
So, shall we begin? We’ll alternate gifts with outings which can mix and match in any combination.
Sweets for the sweet
1 — This one is easy, because who doesn’t like candy, or to more specific, who doesn’t like chocolate? Pro tip: Avoid the drugstore heart-shaped boxes. While the heart looks like a Valentine, you can bet that the chocolate isn’t all that fresh.
What’s more, you can do better than this.
Instead, maybe hit up one of the Godiva shops you’ll find in the fancier malls. You know this stuff is good because it comes from a place called Godiva Chocolatier, which sounds both fancy and French and so, by default, is romantic, yes? See’s Candies are easy to find and have a classic feel. And if you’re feeling adventurous poke around ’til you find an independent shop such as Valenza Chocolatier in Costa Mesa. It might score you points for creativity.
A beautiful view
2 — This one really isn’t that hard to pull off giving how lovely our coastline is. There are plenty of places to go with your special someone. A walk on the beach at Crystal Cove State Park if you want something slightly off the beaten path. Sunset at Inspiration Point in Newport Beach, (corner of Ocean Boulevard and Heliotrope Avenue.) Salt Creek Beach in Dana Point is lovely, perfect for a picnic. Drawbacks to an outdoor date? Sunset on Valentine’s Day this year is 5:35 p.m., and the weather can be dicey, though, (hang on, we just checked — the Tuesday forecast calls for a few clouds, no rain; you should be fine.)
Flowers are never wrong
3 — The key here is two-fold. First, know what your loved one loves. Red roses are almost always a slam dunk, but if tulips are his or her thing, well, there you go. And second, don’t take your eye off the clock, as it ticks down your choices dwindle (see the chocolate rule above). Florists get tons of pre-orders for V-Day from people who, unlike you, thought ahead.
But don’t hesitate or you’ll end up like the roommate of our friend. He got to the flower shop too late one Valentine’s Day, discovered they were sold out, and eventually gave a succulent to his girl. And nothing says “I love you” like a cactus.
Out in a crowd
4 — Fine, you’re not going to eat at a fancy joint tonight, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go out. Orange County has a decent share of casual but hip hangouts perfect for a lively date on any holiday. The 4th Street Market in downtown Santa Ana, for instance, might on the surface seem like, um, a food court. But man, what a fine food court! Jinny’s Pizzeria just made the Register’s Top 20 pizza places in the county. Recess will pour you a fine adult beverage. And Portola Coffee Lab makes coffee that could make Agent Dale Cooper go weak in the knees. Plus the patio is a cool spot to hang out, hear a band, maybe, play some ping-pong with your loved one.
What? Why not? What’s wrong with ping pong?
Underpants
5 — Not to be confused with lingerie. So … no.
A special night out
6 — You know your love is the world’s biggest fan of “Dancing With The Stars,” but she didn’t plan ahead in time to get tickets to the live tour that stops at Segerstrom Hall in Costa Mesa on Tuesday night. It’s sold out and she’s sad, but you, you smart devil, go on Stubhub today and buy a pair. Now you’re golden.
A caveat: It’s crucial you pick something that the other person adores, even if you are just kind of meh about it. For example, you might hate pro wrestling but if you’re willing to endure a shooting star elbow drop for your valentine you might take him or her to Honda Center for the WWE Smackdown Live extravaganza that’s scheduled for, yes, Valentine’s Day.
It’s the thought behind the gift that counts.
Words of love
7 — A card is pretty much mandatory, and again, it’s something you can pull off even at this late hour. Pick something that’s not too saccharine and not too “funny” and you’ll be OK. Because it’s really the hand-written note you add to the card that seals the deal. This can be tricky – I’m thinking mostly of guys here for some reason — but all you need to do is speak from the heart, say how you feel about your valentine, and let the sentiment carry you home.
A special night in
8 — This used to be my go-to move, impressing a special someone with your culinary chops. If you can put together a shelf from Ikea you can follow a recipe, right? And so I’d get out a cookbook and come up with a fancy meal of one kind or another. It usually worked, except for that time that we didn’t learn that the bag of rice had bugs in it until our date noticed something moving on her plate. Hey, nobody’s perfect. Avoid that and you’ll be a winner. Pair it with a favorite movie, again, something that’s his or her favorite, not yours, and you’ll leave no doubt how much you thought about and planned for the night.
A personal service
9 — If you’ve been with your valentine for a while you probably know a few small gestures that make a big impact when you deliver them without having to be asked. So don’t be lazy, dummy!
If your partner’s car is filthy, get it detailed. If you’ve been meaning to paint that bathroom, buy the paint. If what he or she really wants is a weekend out of town, well, make a dang plan already. These are simple things to do, which take it from a world-class procrastinator, you should just do already.
Treat yourself
10 — Yeah, it might not actually work out. You might have already blown it, and he or she won’t take your call for a last-minute date, no matter how awesome that plan was you pulled out of your, uh, hat.
In that case, call up your single besties, and do whatever it is that’ll make you feel good today. After all, it’s just an over-commercialized day secretly designed by the card and chocolate and flower cartels. You can do better on your own, and there’s always next year. Start planning for VDay 2018. It’s gonna be amazing.
Contact the writer: 714-796-7787 or plarsen@ocregister.com
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