Here’s the latest installment of my rhyming chronicle of the rise and rule of Donald Trump, based, as always, on his remarks.
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The Problem
The problem’s not the spying
And the problem’s not my lying
And the problem it is not the way I speak.
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The problem is betrayers
And those sanctuary mayors
And the evil folk who think that they can leak.
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The problem’s not the Kremlin
And Sean Spicer’s not a gremlin
And the problem it is not poor Michael Flynn.
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The man was persecuted!
He was flat-out executed!
No, the problem is the press’ nasty spin.
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The problem is Chicago
It is not my Mar-a-Lago
I’m entitled to view missiles on my phone!
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I shared some stuff at dinner?
That does not make me a sinner!
Those reporters, they should just leave me alone.
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They say that I am crazy
And perhaps that I am lazy
But I tell you, people, neither one is true.
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They say that I am awful
And I just may be unlawful
But, listen, folks — the problem? It is you.
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On Language
The leaks are real, the news is fake
Saying so is no mistake
I’m a guy whose speech is subtle
That is why there’s no rebuttal!
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You are wrong and I am right
What I mean is very, quite
Press and public, this ‘n’ that
Ho ho ho and pitty-pat.
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Here’s the thing, OK, OK
What I really want to say
Bish bash bosh and super blather
Lies and fries and bleep Dan Rather.
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Do you think I cannot spell?
I don’t care cuz I can sell!
Spelling is an affectation
Not a part of education.
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Am I ranting, am I raving?
Am I deeply misbehaving?
I am loving all my babble!
I could kick your ass at Scrabble.
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Chicago
Chicago is a scary town
The worst in our whole nation
And let me tell you why that is —
Illegal immigration!
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Rahm must get much tougher
With those hombres illegales
If he fails, I’ll have to send
The hombres federales.
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You say that there’s no data
To confirm my latest claim?
Hombres, here’s the honest truth —
It’s all part of my game.
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I’m showing Rahm, Obama too
Who really has the power
Yo soy el presidente now!
And have the biggest tower.
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So-Called
Don’t believe the so-called polls
Pollsters are deceitful trolls
Don’t believe that so-called judge
You should get your facts from Drudge.
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Disregard the so-called courts
And the Times’ so-called reports
Do not heed the so-called press
(Please buy an Ivanka dress.)
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Don’t demand the so-called data
It is nothing but errata!
No more talk of so-called rights.
I’m fed up with all these fights!
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Rights won’t keep you safe and free —
That’s a job for Steve and me.
No more guff and no more grief!
Bow down, folks, and call me "Chief."
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The National Prayer Breakfast
Let us bow our heads in prayer:
Jesus Christ, good God, I swear!
Schwarzenegger wrecked my show!
Ratings are so very low!
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Holy Mary, Holy Moly!
Holy freakin’ Guacamole!
Allah allah, Hallelujah!
Mark Burnett, I oughtta sue ya!
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Lord, I was the greatest host
My "Apprentice" was the most —
Most beloved, most adored
Why did you forsake me, Lord?
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God, I miss celebrities
God, please help me, pretty please?
I am not a politician
I do not want this position.
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God, my life’s a living Hades
Give me back the fun and ladies.
Is this penance for some sin?
Get me out of here. Amen.
mschmich@chicagotribune.com
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